


June... She called me June English Version

by Zeb410



Category: The Handmaid's Tale (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-18
Updated: 2019-06-03
Packaged: 2019-07-13 21:31:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 23,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16026368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zeb410/pseuds/Zeb410
Summary: June ... She called me June. It was that day that everything changed for us. But before that day, there have been others less glorious, others you need to know to get an idea of what our daily life is and what our future will be. You must understand what Gilead is to understand what unites us, Serena and I





	1. Chapter 1

I look at the white walls around me. White, the symbol of purity, the symbol of Gilead ... I hear the sound of her heels in the corridor leading to the immaculate room in which I find myself. I have no doubt about the person who comes to visit me. This way of walking, this clanking of heels balancing with charm and elegance, I would recognize it among millions.

It's her.

I close my eyes for two seconds and try to control the anger that invades my body and mind. She stops behind the big curtain that separates us. I guess she does not want to see me. That it was too hard for her to see me. 

\- Blessed the day  
\- Blessed the day. I answer calm.  
\- I see you're fine.  
\- Yes, Mrs. Waterford.  
\- Excellent news

I hear her approaching slowly but determined. I realize that the rest of this conversation will not be a pleasure.  
She comes to me and the tension I can see on her face gives me reason. The bitchy Serena is back !

-I will make things clear. All your little shenanigans, your little secrets, everything stops today! I will not tolerate your little game anymore. Have I made myself clear?

Her eyes are hard as stone. She knows she does not scare me, but she cannot help but want to assert her superiority. To show she is the one who holds the reins of the little game we have been playing from the beginning. That she is THE one and only housewife and she own me!

-Don’t get upset Serena ... It's bad for the baby.

She looks at me even more furious than before and I feel she could kill me on the spot. Thank God, she is interrupted in this thought when her husband and my doctor enter the room. They do not know it, but they just saved me from a certain death.  
I know I should not play with fire with Serena, but that's part of our relationship. She expects it. She directs and orders and I rebel. It's what’s supposed to happen.

As the echo begins, she continues to stare at me, hoping to bend me. What she does not know yet is that I am like the reed; I bend but do not break. Her husband calls to find out the miracle I carry in me. She moves to reach the monitor and I discover another woman.

How this bitch who was ready to give me in sacrifice a few seconds ago can suddenly become full of tenderness and sweetness? It is borderline personality disorder at this level. Her eyes are shining with happiness, and I want to scream so much. What I feel is in complete contradiction. I can see it, I can feel it, she already loves this child. My child. Our child to Nick and I ... And for that reason only, I cannot entirely hate her. I would almost have compassion for her. I am at this conclusion when she approaches me and puts a gentle kiss on my forehead, leaving me even more confused.

"God bless you ..." she slips into a whisper before leaving.

________________________________________

I believed it ... I tasted it closely, I felt it. I had a glimpse of what my life might look like away from Gilead, far away from the Waterford, away from her, Serena. But reality quickly caught me back.   
I did not manage to escape, Nick could not save me, despite all these efforts. I could have joined Luke in Canada, and we would have spent the rest of our days trying to get Hannah back, we would have succeeded sooner or later and would have lived happily ever after. But that's not what happened, no ...

Gilead did not let me live happy. The plane never took off. I was taken to the red center with Aunt Lydia, and now I'm in the car that brings me back to my kind and warm hosts. That's how everyone talks about Commander Waterford and his lovely wife Serena. No need to tell you that I do not share this idyllic vision of my executioner couple. And you want to know what is the most ironic part in this situation, Aunt Lydia who gives me the lesson by telling me that I must earn their trust, show them that I am worthy to receive this second chance to be welcomed in their home. Of course Aunt Lydia ... fuck you Aunt Lydia!

I leave the car, feverish, go forward to the porch, and contemplate the gates of hell just in front of me. I already know what's waiting for me. I am prepared for it.

The fire crackles in the chimney of the big living room, and I wait resigned for the arrival of the diabolic couple.  
It is him who comes to welcome me first by wishing me a good return home. As if this home could reflect the warmth and security of a home in my eyes. Nothing here resembles the image I have of a house, it's a prison. My own prison until childbirth.

I discover with some amazement the story they chose to tell each other to avoid any dishonor. Obviously their handmaid did not choose to escape, to regain her freedom, she was simply kidnapped. I wonder who could have come to with this story. It can only be her. She is the only one smart enough to succeed of saving appearances at any cost. I even come to admire his evil genius.   
As she triumphantly enters the room and places herself next to her husband, Serena defies me with her eyes. A new game begins between us. And my attitude lets her understand that I'm ready for a new round, and always ready to break a few rules to win. Maybe I should not have done this affront to her. I realize it a few minutes later in the hallway that leads to my cell, called here bedroom, when her hand finds itself violently against my throat and that she slams me against the wall behind me.

-92 days!

It's the duration of my escapade. She counted the days, I am impressed. Her eyes are a mixture of anger, relief, and sadness. I can see how much she suffered during those 92 days. Wondering if her child was still alive, whether she would have the chance to meet him one day, whether she would ever have the happiness of being able to take him in her arms. I imagine this pain perfectly, I know that pain, I just did not imagine that this bitch without any heart could feel it as well. 

She is completely broken when she releases me and turns her back on me, leaving me the opportunity to launch, with delight, a new attack.

-Serena ... Remember ... As long as my child is safe, yours is safe too.

________________________________________

Life continues at the Waterford's house. Aunt Lydia is caring for me and the miracle I carry in me. From the outside, everything could almost seem normal. But it's Gilead, nothing is normal here.  
I did not see Nick again until this morning. And seeing him in this kitchen, carrying his crate of empty bottles, warms my heart. It's good to know he's right next door. I don't know exactly how I feel about him, but I know he is a good man, and will do everything he can to protect me and his child. This is the moment chosen by her majesty Serena to enter the kitchen, thus surprising my gaze following the father of my child as he passes near me. I regret immediately that she has surprised this look. She now has the advantage over me. A means of pressure to bend me to all her wishes. I curse myself for having this weakness in front of her. Especially today, the day of the baby shower.

Let's talk about this baby shower. That ridiculous parade. A simulacrum. How can these women rejoice and celebrate the coming of a child in these conditions? Do they have no restraint? Celebrate the rape of a woman in front of them by their own husbands all the more. What has the world become? What has humanity become? Although I ask myself all these questions, this party makes softly me smile. I find them simply ridiculous, namely who gave the best gift, to laugh and marvel at the miraculous baby to come, enjoying champagne. They are simply pathetic in their attempts at normality, so pathetic that my amusement gives way to anger. My hands clench on the armrests of the chair in which I am comfortably seated, exposed like a trophy in the middle of the living room.

And yet, it is always HER who is the center of the attention. HER who receives all the marks of affection, HER who is complaint of having missed by the first trimester of the pregnancy, to perhaps missed by the first kicks given by the baby. She looks good as always. Smiling around to prove that everything is fine, trying to convince herself that nothing is lost and that everything is yet to come.  
I should shut up ... I know I should shut the fuck up at the risk of paying for it later, but I can't, it's beyond my strength. I need to hurt her. And the only way to do that is to tell her truths that she doesn't want to hear.

-I felt the baby kick for the first time last night   
The silence caused by this statement and the confused and sad look of Serena are enough to make me feel better. You do what you got to do, right?  
Little things make us happy when we are in my position and that we are about to undergo what will follow. Nobody is prepared for the humiliation that will be mine in a few minutes. The ultimate humiliation. Total deprivation of my dignity in front of witnesses. The very deprivation of my right to exist as a woman if ever there still was that right in Gilead. But today is another step in the madness that has become our new normal. Today I have to spiritually transfer the child I'm carrying to Serena. While Aunt Lydia brings me into this masquerade, I regret to be aware of all these things that surround me. I would like not to know. not To know the outcome of this grotesque ceremony. But it is not that way. I enter the room again knowingly and full of rage. They are all there, women in blue, those who form the elite of our new country, the wives, they are all there, forming a circle and waiting for my coming. My friends, the other handmaid's are behind, forming a circle too, trying to mentally support me in this ordeal that awaits me. I put my knees on the cushion laid for me and take a look at my nemesis. She wins today. I submit myself. She is in a position of strength, she stands and I'm on my knees, giving her full authority over me and the child I am carrying. Serena looks at me and begins the ceremony. I do not have the courage to look at her, to face it, I know this battle is lost in advance. I can't rebel. Not now, not here, for the moment I must eat my brake and remain silent, I must not give her satisfaction, especially not. She is there, imploring God to let the child come to her, her despair is not feigned, it is real, I can feel it. Nothing can forgive what she is doing to me. Nothing in the world will ever make me forget this moment

It is completely dazed that I attend the storage of the living room after the festivities. I do not completely realize what has just happened, or on the contrary, I am only too aware of it. I approach a baby carriage and take a tiny white sock probably hand knitted by one of those women I despise so much. The memories of my baby shower for Hannah invade me and before I realize, I formulate them aloud. It's when I see Rita receive a huge slap from Serena that I realize it. If only she could have slapped me, she thought. I know this slap was destined for me, it cannot be otherwise. The violence with which it has been administered is proof. And I lose once again any hope of finding a tiny part of humanity in this Waterford bitch. And while I am devastated, having completely lost faith in humanity, Aunt Lydia chose to take me on a walk on the docks. In front of the wall precisely. This wall represents the shame of Gilead and this new normality. This is the moment she chooses to break me completely. By showing me the consequences of my actions during my escape attempt, this body hanging along the wall, the body of the man I forced to help me and who paid of his life.  
My last ounce of resistance has ended. I literally crack. I collapse in front of Aunt Lydia and listen to her telling me how important it is for me to make amends to the Waterford’s. That I have to try to understand Serena, that it's difficult for her, that I need to understand and stop being a pain in the ass. I must stop being June. Because June is responsible for the death of this man, June tried to run away, June is responsible for all the bad things that happen to me. I must not be June anymore. I must be Offred. Resigned and without any strength, I abdicate and give up being June. I have to get into the rank. I must be wise and discreet. I must not be anymore, i do no longer exist. I collapse in the arms of the one who has not stopped breaking me since our first meeting. Aunt Lydia. My torturer becomes my comfort. And this is the new reality. The reality of Gilead. For today ... Gilead won.  
It is under the eyes of Nick and Rita and the benevolence of Aunt Lydia, that I implore on my knees permission to remain with the Waterford’s. Aware that I do not deserve it yet, but full of promise to be the best handmaid's they have ever had. Thanking them for all these things they have done for me. I see Serena come out of the room, annoyed, and it breaks me even more.


	2. Chapter 2

I hear her steps in the stairs. The singular creaking of the steps, whose wood has worked for many years, haunts me. This characteristic sound that informs me at any time that someone will come to visit me and they never are courtesy. It's late, though. I thought she'd be in bed for a long time by this time. But obviously she is not. I hold my breath, lying on my blanket, and pray that she does not come to swing her victory in my face.  
The door that opens is far from silent, and instinctively, I think if something was to happen to me tonight, someone would have heard that door opening. I try to reassure myself as I can. Her heels on the floor of the room make me the effect of a knife sinking into my heart a little further with every step.

I feel her sitting behind my back, and start to raise the sheet that covers me. She does not ask me for my permission. She acts! Why would she ask me permission to touch my body, after all, I no longer exist. I am her thing, I belong to her. I grit my teeth when I feel her hand resting on my belly and her head on my side.

Maybe I became completely crazy, but the feeling of her hand on me, her body against mine, feels nice. It's the first physical contact we have which does not make me shiver with fear or disgust. Her breathing is jerky, as if she was overwhelmed with emotion.

 

-Everything will be alright. I promise you, everything will be fine.

For a moment, I hope these words are for me. That Serena finally found a little common sense and that she came to support me. My hopes vanish as soon as I hear her claim her love for the child I’m carrying as if he was hers. It's almost poetic to feel her so fragile. I imagine her caressing her round belly, reciting comforting words in an extremely soft voice. I imagine her happy. And this vision makes me shiver down my spine. Or maybe it's her body breaking away from mine that gives me that feeling. Her lips resting on me confirms that I want more. I want her to stay with me to continue to rock me with her illusions of happiness to come. I want to feel her warmth against me. Her presence.

What is happening to me? I should feel like throwing her against the wall, spitting on her, cutting her into pieces for what she dares to put me through, but not tonight. Tonight I'm resigned, tonight I'm Defred and I just need some warmth, not any type of warmth, I need hers.

As she gets ready to leave the room, I decide to give it a shot. What could possibly be worse?

-Ms. Waterford?  
-What is it Defred?  
-You can stay if you want ... You know ... If the baby decides to move  
-Another time maybe, tonight I'm tired ... she answers me softly.

There is no scream, no word higher than the other, no reproach in her voice. There is nothing. Just tiredness, as she pointed out to me. And suddenly, the truth strikes me. For her, I no longer exist, I have no value. No longer enough to make it worthwhile to be unpleasant or to denigrate me. I’m disappointing her, it's my fault. I am responsible for everything that is happening to me. If I had been less stubborn, if I had not stood up to her since the beginning, maybe I would still exist in her eyes. Maybe she would still see me, not as her equal, but at least as a woman. But June was not wise ... June did not know how to shut her mouth ... June is responsible. June has done horrible things in the past, broken a marriage, abandoned her daughter, June is not a good person.

 

-Please God, make Hannah forgive me. 

June is no longer exists, only remains Defred. The wise and submissive Defred who ignores Nick when he speaks to her. The wise and submissive Defred who behaves as she should have done from the beginning. The wise and submissive Defred who decides to burn the letters, symbol of resistance, that June had hidden. Last vestige of an era that no longer is.

Serena came back to visit me late at night, first from time to time, then more regularly. It's always the same ritual. Is not Gilead all about ritual after all?  
She smokes her cigarette, and then comes to join me. I can smell tobacco on her clothes and in her breath. That does not bother me. I would even say that it gives her a small rebel side that suits her quite well.

As always, she lies down my back, she puts her hand on my belly while her head rests on my shoulder and begins to talk to the baby. But today, her voice is not soft, she is not serene.

-Who does she thinks she is this Aunt Lydia! Tell me ... brave enough to say I do not create a healthy environment for your coming. How does she dare to come to my house and talk to me like this? I would give everything so you can be the happiest and most loved child of Gilead! To whom does she think she is talking to?

No, she is not angry. She is sad. I can feel it. Her tears running down my neck let her pain and distress go away. She feels helpless.  
She cannot carry this child herself, she is dependent on me to satiate her child's desire, and it's killing her. She is not mad at me, she is angry at herself for not having this chance to give birth. If only June had understood that earlier. It might have saved her from disappearing.

I let her free her burden against me and sleep in the heat of her embrace. I know it's not me she hugs; I'm just a body carrying her child.

When I wake up, she's still here. Asleep by my side, her hand still resting on my belly. I try to move slowly, not to wake her up and risk starting the day with an avalanche of reproaches of all sorts, but with every movement I make, she tightens her grip on me and brings me back a little more against her.

-Stay a little more ... she murmurs in a half-sleep.

I do not know if she is aware of where she is and who she is talking to, but I prefer to keep quiet and obey her without moving rather than suffer her wrath again. Prudence is a mother of safety in Gilead.  
Since Aunt Lydia's intervention, Serena and I spend a lot of time together. So that the baby hears her voice, that he can feel he is desired and expected, but also that I can relax and that the pregnancy goes well. I would be lying if I said that these moments are unpleasant.

Today, we are going for a walk. This is what the hostess has planned for both of us. To take some fresh air, walk, talk. She does the talking, i'm listening, I still refrain from opening my mouth unnecessarily.

Rita comes to tell me that Madame S, as she is called, is waiting for me.  
S as Superior.  
S as Her Serene Highness.  
S as the shocking blood I see on the toilet paper in my hands. I do not know what to do with this information. I'm bleeding, I guess something is wrong, but I do not know what to do with this information. June would have known what to do. She would have shouted, she would have alerted the whole world to say that her baby was in danger, but me, Defred, I do not know what to do with it. I watch the paper drain to the bottom of the toilet bowl and I feel empty inside. No feeling, no worry, just a big, huge, cold void. I do not know if my body will continue to carry this child, I do not even know if it wants to.

Serena tries to make conversation during our walk, telling the gossip of the neighborhood, as if we were two friends walking side by side. I hardly listen to her, just enough to answer when it's necessary. My body is with her in this street, but my mind is not there for a long time.

We meet Naomi Putnam who tells us that little Angela is not very fit lately. A dental flush apparently. To hear the cries of the little girl, I doubt that it is only about that and Serena is not fooled either. If there is one quality that I can give her, it's her deep love for children, she feels that something is not normal, and her concern for the little one turns into aggression towards me.

-These walks are for both of us! I would appreciate not being the only one to make the conversation!  
-Sure Mrs Waterford.  
-Yes Mrs. Waterford. No, Mrs. Waterford. What's the matter with you ?  
-Nothing Mrs. Waterford.

She is confused. The confused look she puts on me makes me understand that. She is worried. For the first time, I see Serena really concerned about what can happen to me and not just about the baby's well-being. In any case, that's what I like to believe.

________________________________________

SERENA

Something is wrong with her. She is no longer herself. There is no longer that spark in her eyes, this fire ready to ignite anyone who stands up to her. She's different since the baby shower. Not that her docile attitude disturbs me, on the contrary, but...well it does bother me! Where is this impetuous woman who was not afraid to challenge me? Where is the one who would have moved land and sea to be heard? She is no longer ... It makes our exchanges easier, of course, but the very idea of never having to challenge her anymore displeases me.

I loved our verbal jousting, our insistent glances, and our struggle for power. It was part of the game to submit her to my will, but now it is done, I derive no pleasure. What pleasure could I derive from her servitude? I considered her as my most serious adversary. Now she is no more than a servant who obeys my least desires. She is broken and that's my fault.

This is painful. For the reason that despite appearances, I am aware of the atrocity of what Fred and I are doing to her for the good of our nation. It is a sacrifice that takes courage and like all sacrifice, it comes with great sorrow. Sometimes I wish i could relieve her pain, comfort her, thank her for being MY miracle worker, and then I give up. What difference could it make? The situation would remain the same anyway.

As I cannot reassure her, I do it with my baby. I slipped into her room in the evening, snuggled against her, and I send all the love I can to this child who will be here soon. I sing him lullabies, I tell him about my days, I tell him about his future, all the love he will receive, I tell him about me. Who I am, Serena Joy Waterford. I do not tell him about Gilead, about the role I played in shaping our nation; I prefer telling him childhood memories, happy memories. I know she does not lose a word of everything I tell my baby, but I don’t mind it. I even think that unconsciously, my words are a little to her too. To show her that I was someone else before Gilead. She never answers me.

Just like today, her answers are brief and succinct "Yes Mrs. Waterford, no Mrs. Waterford," she does not even call me by my first name. It was something she did before to challenge me, call me Serena, to make me understand that she was my equal and that she would never give up. Today, Serena no longer exists for her. I'm just Mrs. Waterford. God knows that I'd like to become Serena again in her eyes ... It confirmed to me that she saw humanity in me, that I was not a lost cause, that she cared for me. All this has disappeared and it drives me crazy! But oddly, not against her.

Our return home is tense, I am concerned about her attitude and I would like to understand what is happening. I wish I could talk to her about it, but she refuses to answer, leaving me even more puzzled.

Nick is in the kitchen when we come back. He always manages to be around when I'm with Offred, it's almost unbearable. Does not he have things to do? I see clearly in his little game, he thinks he will be able to spend some time with her and play the strong and reassuring man. As if that was what she needed. For more caution, I ask Offred to join her room. It is better to avoid letting them together. She runs past him without giving him a single glance. Take that Nick!

-Ms. Waterford?

I feel that i will not enjoy this conversation. Once again he will be interfering with things which are none of his concern.

-I'm worried about the handmaid ... he said with difficulty to choose his words  
-The doctor says that everything is fine  
-I mean her mental state  
-Her mental state? I answer him by restraining me from spitting in his face without really knowing why.  
-Maybe she should see a different kind of doctor?

It annoys me that he may be right! Obviously she is not well. I saw her, I see her every day, I noticed that she was not well. But despite all my attempts, she refuses to talk to me. Suddenly, I wonder if she is talking to HIM.

 

-Did Offred ask you to talk to me?  
-No Mam…. He answers spontaneously.  
-So I have nothing to tell you

Who the hell does he think he is to dictate me what i should or should not do? He poses himself as a hero of the male sex. Almost his cock brandished in his hands as a sign of his manhood. Of course, he is a man. He takes things in his hands. Including the welfare of MY handmaid!  
He catches me by the arm when I pass him.

-She does not have anyone to look out for her  
-It seems that she does... I answer him with disdain

It seems that she does ... this observation scares me and hurts me deep in my bones. He must understand that he has no role to play here. I need to get rid of him. I cannot let him hang on to my child's mother. It's up to me to take care of her, not him.


	3. Chapter 3

Serena

I knew Fred's obsession with our handmaid would serve me one day. No need for big speeches, no need to spend hours convincing him, a few words were enough. “Nick cares a bit too much about Offred's well-being”. No need to say more to get him to get Nick out of the equation. Obviously, my husband is far from being stupid. He prefers to eliminate competition, even if now, his chances of being appreciated by our handmaid are reduced to nothing.

Fred has always loved his little games with our handmaids, trying to seduce them, to be loved by them. I was jealous at the beginning of all the attentions they received from my husband, I finally resigned myself. Gilead changed the man I fell in love with into a power-hungry monster. The fall of our marriage was proportional to his rise. By becoming a commander, he ceased to be a loving and caring husband to become that manipulative and cruel man, unable to resist the call of the flesh. He likes to dominate, and even more, he likes to exhibit this power in front of me, for my greatest satisfaction today.

We are all gathered for the Prayvaganza. The opportunity to reward our most loyal guardians by offering them a wife, and thus become a spouse. Nick probably did not expect that, I would even say it's far from delighted if I believe how closed is his face. To great evils, great means. This should keep him away from our handmaid and her room!

He discovers what awaits him by opening the little box in his hands. He looks for Offred in the assembly and I almost feel sad for him. I say almost ... And even if it was the case, I leave nothing else to show but joy and enthusiasm for this marriage.

 

I turn to Offred and cannot help but test her resistance to this show.

-He is very handsome isn’t he?

Her gaze is empty, I'm not sure she has taken the measure of what is happening. Her azure eyes filled with tears as she realizes she is losing her most precious ally. He will not be hers anymore. He will belong to another woman now. I can’t contain a smile of satisfaction from forming on my tense face. Fred seems to share my opinion, in any case, his cheerful face speaks volumes.

________________________________________

June

 

She succeeded. She managed to deprive me of the last hope that could remain in me. If her goal is to destroy me completely, I can say that she has succeeded. Why does she strive to make me suffer so much? Why? She has everything! An enviable situation in Gilead, a husband, a house, and soon she will have the child I am carrying. What more does she need? Why take away this last ounce of light in my life?

 

I don’t even have the strength to ask myself all these questions. I don’t have the strength to fight anymore. At least that's what I believe until I close the door in front of me instead of alerting everyone of the progress of my pregnancy. The blood flowing from my legs does not bode well. I now have the means to make her pay for everything she has done to me. To deprive her of her child. I can’t imagine greater pain for her than losing this child to come. Get ready Serena. My revenge is closer than you think.

________________________________________

Serena

 

Despite my joy at seeing Nick married and far from Offred, I have compassion for Eden. She is so young, so innocent, so inexperienced. Is she at least aware of what awaits her on her wedding night? She assures me that she is. In theory anyway. I realize at the same time that Nick's marriage also means the end of my little sexual escapades with him. I can’t allow myself to feel his lips on mine, his hands touching me, all this parody of love he gave me here and there, before Offred and his crush on her.

 

I had not thought about it before, but it's been a while since i had wanted one of these escapades. Nick has not filled this emptiness for a long time. It's long over. Since she arrived. I have not wanted Nick since she came into my house. I make that sad report while trying to reassure the young Eden on the beauty of the sexual act when accompanied by the love that exists between a man and his wife. How close can two individuals be to share this pleasure of the flesh, banished here, in Gilead? My words are accompanied by impure thoughts that I try to hunt by all means. I will not be fooled by these unworthy thoughts of myself and my rank.

I leave Eden in Nick's room in a pouring rain, still disturbed by the mental images my words have provoked, these abject images of my servant giving me pleasure like I have never had before. What is so exceptional about her? Why can’t I consider her as all those who came before her? What's different? She is simply HER . I smile at the obvious when I notice her body lying on the ground in the groves. I rush to her and find her inanimate. I squeeze her frozen body against mine and scream with all my strength for someone to help me. Please, my lord, let someone help me ... It’s too early ... Too early for her to go away ... Too early for me to let her go.

________________________________________

June

I painfully open my eyes and I have a feeling of “déjà-vu”. I am in a hospital room, a perfusion in the arm. I hear the characteristic sound of the monitors to which I am connected. Serena is there, asleep in an armchair. She had to spend all her time here, afraid of my last attempt of escape. She rushes over me when she sees I’m awake.

 

-June ... you're awake ... thank you my god! Thank you

Before I can react, she puts her lips on my forehead, taking my cheeks in her hands. I feel her tears flood my face as she stammers a few words.

-I thought I was never going to see you again ... I go get the doctor.

She hurriedly leaves the room and I remain speechless toward her attitude. The baby. Of course, she was talking to the baby, I guess. This baby who resisted my attempt to see him disappear. This baby who clings to life much more than I do. This baby does not deserve to grow up in a world like this, with people like Fred and Serena Waterford. This baby to whom I promise her freedom by suddenly realizing that Serena called me June

The doctor is reassuring, he confirms the bleeding stopped and the danger is removed for now. I see a round head pass on the side of the wall that separates me from the screen of the ultrasound.

-Any Complications during your first pregnancy?

-Do you mean for Hannah?

Serena's reaction takes me by surprise, she seems sorry to hear me talk about Hannah.

-During your first pregnancy, did you have any complications? repeat the doctor carefully.

-No.

-Were you at term?

Two weeks in advance, actually.

-It's a good sign. Praised be.

While I listen to the recommendations made to Serena, She surprises me again by offering me to watch the tribulations of this little being growing in me.

-Do you want to watch? She said opening the wall on her side.

She seems sincere, no manipulation in her request, no resentment either. Her attitude destabilizes me and I accept with a nod without knowing how I will pay for it later. As I look at the screen, she puts her hand on mine and begins to squeeze it gently.

"Cuckoo ..." I said, trying to hold back my emotion of seeing my child for the first time. He makes some flips in there!

-Praised be ... answers Serena moved, exerting stronger pressure on my hand.

I look at this blond woman next to me, and i wonder who she can be. She looks like Serena Waterford, but nothing in her behavior suggests that she really is her. She seems human.

-Can you leave us a moment? Serena asks softly to the doctor surprised by her request.

"Of course ..." he answers, embarrassed before leaving the room.

Serena's hand is still on mine, her thumb drawing small circles on my skin. An innocuous gesture a few years ago, but I never thought I would find it again in Gilead. Especially from this woman I hate so much.

-Watch ... he is in great shape ... she told me with tears in her eyes.

-He is a fighter ... I answer trying to understand what's going on.

-Like her mother ... she answers me by anchoring her eyes in mine.

It is impossible to know at this precise moment if she is talking about herself or me. How to know what's going on in that pretty blond head of hers?

-Like you yes ... I answer for more caution

-And like you June ... like you ...

 

This is the second time today she calls me by my first name. This woman is definitely not Serena Waterford! I must had woken up in a parallel dimension because I do not understand anything anymore. How is it possible that this woman who did everything to destroy me and make me lose all trace of humanity can consider me today as a human being? Because that's what it's about. She gives me back my humanity by calling me by my first name. It reminds my own existence and that I am no longer only her property. Their property to her and her bastard husband!

-Serena ... I'm whispering to her attention

-Hmm Hmm ... she answers without leaving the monitor with her eyes

-You…

I hesitate to tell her my thought, to ask her explanations about her behavior, and then I realize that it is better not to wake up the demon in her and to take advantage of this new woman who is next to me before her true nature resurfaces.

-Thank you ... I simply answer, hoping she understands all the meanings of my words.


	4. Chapter 4

June   


 

Serena's behavior seems to me more and more strange. She is far from the cold and heartless woman I have always known; she is concerned about my well-being, my comfort and my desires. Going as far as asking Rita to cook what makes me happy. I do not recognize her. I'm not going to lie, I appreciate all the attention she pays me, but I know the flip side will come sooner or later. This is Serena Waterford we're talking about, not one of those Disney characters who find redemption after becoming aware.

Since returning from the hospital, I have been living in the main living room of the Commandant's house and his wife. More convenient, it avoids me to climb the steps of the squeaky stairs that go up to my cell. I gladly accept this change of status, after all, have I not deserved some comfort? Of course, being back also means seeing Nick again. Nick is not really a problem for me, I like being close to him, what disturbs me more is the continual presence of his new wife. Of course he didn’t really have a choice, but I have to face the reality, Nick is married, we can’t see each other anymore. No more escape plans we were doing together. No more idyllic picture of the perfect little family who managed to escape Gilead. Nick has new responsibilities, and I know he will face it, even if, for the moment, he seems lost with Eden who seems to want to be the perfect wife. I could not have dreamed a better person for Nick, she is completely devoted to him.

Serena's visits are even more frequent since I moved into the living room. Sometimes she sits right in the armchair next to me and takes the opportunity to knit, sometimes we talk about everything and nothing, forward Gilead, the committed and courageous woman she was; but often she settles near me, her hand on my belly, and we remain silent for hours. I often wake up and do not find her by my side. In those moments, I do not know if I feel relieved or sad not to have her near me anymore. Even her husband agrees that she's become my guardian angel, would it be possible for him to be jealous of the time we spend together?

He is not entirely wrong. The house mistress continues to surprise me with her attentions, even going so far as organize a meal with other maids to make me feel good. What happened to the blonde fury I know? Who is this woman full of tenderness and who does all she can to make me happy? I prefer not to think about it and let myself be carried away by events. A little respite never hurts anyone. Especially after reassuring Eden that Nick is absolutely not homosexual, and that she must give him time to acclimatize to their new life. How ironic isn't it?

 

* * *

 

 

Serena  


 

No matter what I do, June always sees me as that horrible woman who only thinks of hurting her. Just see how she behaves with me in front of her friends, her friends that I managed to gather under my roof so that she feels less lonely. As she talks about a restaurant that she used to frequent before Gilead, I find myself thinking that we could have met there at the time. As this thought forms in my brain, my heart starts pounding at this idea. Everything could have been different. What would it have been like if I had met June in other circumstances? Would we have been friends? Would she have understood who I was and what I wanted to accomplish at the time? Would she have campaigned with me to make the world that was ours a better world?

All these questions invade me while I let her enjoy her moment of serenity with other women of her condition. I prefer to take refuge in my greenhouse, to put myself into my floral creations, which still give me the impression to change things, to embellish our future.

It was all that mattered to me, embellishing our future. For generations to come, for my children, those I thought I could have before the shot that deprived me of this right. I was an idealist and an activist; I am no more than a wife now, a wife deprived of speech.

I'm just a wife, and a future mother. June is carrying my child, and I want to make sure that this future child does not miss anything. Although there are still several months of pregnancy, I have already made all the necessary arrangements, and it is with enthusiasm and emotion that I have decided to show June the room I had prepared.

 

-I want you to know that I will be the best mother possible for my child ...

-I know ... June answers with tears in her eyes

 

As I get ready to approach her to reassure her, she speaks again.

 

-Thank you for showing me this room ... I'm really touched.

 

We share a very strong moment in this child's room not completely finished. I'm dying to know what it means to her, but I refrain from asking the question. What could she answer me?

I prefer to let her tell me about Hannah's bedroom, fluorescent stars on the ceiling because her husband loved the stars. I hear her tell me about her family memories with great emotion, I feel honored and touched that she finally confides to me. I let her finally talk about her and her past life. I can imagine how difficult it is for her to tell me all these things about her husband and daughter.

 

-If I could see her ... I would feel so much better ... I just want to know if she's fine

 

I can feel all her pain and it freezes my blood. I wish I could soothe her suffering, but there is nothing I can do about it.

 

-It is not possible ... I sadly answer

-Serena ... please ... just a few seconds ... I will not tell anyone

 

I curse myself for what I'm about to do. I know I could give back June her smile and let her see Hannah, but I refuse. I want her to be completely devoted to the child she is carrying and not to the one she has lost. She must be devoted to my child! Our child ... My instinct takes over and I feel the blade of the knife sinking deep in my heart. She took advantage of a moment of weakness on my side to try to make me feel guilty again, as if it wasn't already the case. She took advantage of this moment of sharing to try to make me do what she wants. See her daughter.

The anger takes me and I react as the old Serena would have done.

 

\- Get your things in the living room. I think it's time for you to get back to your former room!

 

I watch her go away crying and my heart breaks again. How can I let her get to me like that? And how can I be so cruel to inflict such suffering on her? She only asks one thing, to make sure that her daughter was fine. What kind of mother refuses to another mother that kind of thing? I blame myself as much as I blame her for making me feel all those emotions that I thought buried deep within me.

Despite all the anger that can overwhelm me, I can’t help but want to make June happy, to want to see her happy. It's stronger than me, I can’t stand to see her miserable and sad all the time. Since I can't arrange a meeting with Hannah, I can at least let her have a little memory of her.

She ignores me when I enter into her room, even going so far as to challenge me.

 

-You shouldn't be here!

 

This is how I know she's mad at me. When she is angry with me, I become Mrs Waterford again and the complicity between us is over. No more familiarity, no more proximity. That said, in her defense, I act exactly the same way.

 

-I have a gift for you…

 

I shamelessly approach her bed, and drop Hannah's photo that I managed to get through Nick. The joy that takes hold of her face makes my heart leap.

 

-It's good to see you happy ... I whisper to her attention, stroking her cheek with my thumb.

 

Her reaction surprises me as much as she delights me. She throws herself on my neck and squeezes her little plump body against mine. The heat of our two bodies intoxicates me and I become incapable of uttering the slightest word.

 

-Thanks ... Thank you Serena ... She continues to murmur on my neck.

 

As I caress her back to reassure her, my mind goes astray again and I begin to imagine what it could be to caress her naked back, to graze the curve of her chest, to taste her lips so tempting. The whirlwind of desire that carries me is matched only by the hatred I can feel for her at this moment. I refuse to feel that kind of thing. I'm not like that! I have never wanted a woman before! I can't decently feel this kind of thing for her!

I begin to break our embrace when I feel her wet cheek against mine.

 

-Stay ... she murmurs, pressing her cheek against mine

-I can't ... I answer without convictions

-Please ... you're all that I got now ...

 

The truth hits me instantly. She lost everything. She has no husband, no child, no lover, she only has me left. I should feel bad about this realization, but the opposite happened. I finally got back to the one we count on, the one that matters. I am no longer just a wife, I am a full person again and I owe it to my handmaid.


	5. chapter 5

June : 

 

I don't know anymore in what world we live in, I have the impression of living a waking nightmare. I can't stop telling myself that one day I'm going to open my eyes and realize that Gilead has never existed, that humanity did not let such things happened, that someone refused to let this pseudo republic be established which only has the name. But it is not so. Gilead is real. Gilead exists against all odds and that is why we must fight and fight against this regime. Like Offglenn. A woman alone has managed to shake the new Republic of Gilead.

As we mourn the lost servants that day, I rejoice in knowing that 26 commanders have lost their lives as well. Good riddance! 26 rapists gone.

What a pity, mine escaped and the sadness of not having the courage to kill him with my own hands invades me. I would like to have this courage, I would like to be able to protect the child I'm caring from this heartless monster. But I do not have the courage, and the fear of reprisals dissuades me completely.

 

Serena is much less present in the house, spending all her time at her husband's bedside in the hospital. I understand how she feels, I feel sorry for her, but despite everything, I can’t help but be proud and grateful for the heroic gesture of my market mate, that I don’t even know her real name ...

 

Obviously, this gesture does not go unpunished. Security has been strengthened since the attack, and each of our actions, each of our outings is under the microscope. It is not only the attack that has killed, the consequences are almost as much deadly, all under the command of Commander Cushing who likes to believe that he acts under the command of God. I even wonder if sometimes he does not take himself for God.

 

Now he knows he has full powers to act with impunity. One more monster, a power-mad monster that makes me cold in the back. An intelligent monster anyway, who perfectly well understood that my kidnapping was actually a failed escape attempt. He knows that someone has helped me in this attempt and is ready to do anything to discover the truth. I can't let this happen, I cannot risk being sent to the center to finish my pregnancy and Serena being hanged for treason. I must absolutely warn her, she must know, I will not bear the idea of being responsible for another death, of her death.

 

I arrive completely terrified at the hospital. By Cushing, by the guards who start shooting Martha’s in the street for no reason, by the idea of seeing Commander Waterford, terrified but determined to open Serena's eyes to the situation.

She rushes to me when I enter the room, reassured to know me safe and sound. Despite our little argument of the other day, I know that her concern is not just for the baby, I can see it in her eyes, and hear it in her voice.

 

I remain frozen in front of my master's body, shared between the compassion I feel and the desire to complete the work of Offglenn. He seems so weak in this bed, not the arrogant attitude that he usually has. He is only a weak and miserable man who fights for his survival.

 

* * *

 

 

Serena : 

 

I find June sitting in the kitchen when I come back from the hospital. There she is waiting for me like every other night. I could almost think she miss me, but I know she doesn’t.

 

\- Blessed be the evening

\- Go to bed ! The baby needs rest

\- The baby needs cream puffs, but we found a compromise ... she tells me ironically.

 

I always have appreciated her sense of humor a bit sarcastic. This is one of the qualities that I envy her; it gives her a little something more that is difficult to define.

 

\- How's the commander?

\- He's very strong

\- Praised be

\- God will quickly cure him. He must resume his place in the office.

 

It is imperative that Fred quickly recovers; only him can stop the murderous madness that is happening. Only Fred can restore order in this chaos that settles gently. And he will do it because I will be behind him to remind him that it's not this violence that we dreamed of by creating Gilead, that it absolutely has to stop. I can't let Ray Cushing be the actor of our loss. The same Ray Cushing with whom we went on vacation before. We were good friends Fred and Serena, Ray and Sonia, his wife was even my best friend to tell the truth. But like all of Gilead's men, Ray has changed, he has become greedy for power, obsessed with control, preferring to reign with fear over respect. He's not much different from my husband in the end, except that Fred would never do anything to hurt our family.

 

I realize that I must have said it all out loud when June says:

 

\- He came here. To talk to me, he does not believe in this kidnapping story at all.

 

My blood is only one trick! Thinking of Ray in my house, questioning MY handmaid, who does he think he is !

Beyond the anger that seizes me, it's mostly the fear of what he could do to June if he discovered the truth that worries me.

 

\- You have to be very careful when answering his questions. He must absolutely believe that you have been kidnapped.

-I know ... They executed Commander Deeds and all his family for everything Offglenn has done

\- Offglenn was a terrorist!

\- I bet Cushing would do exactly the same thing to any family connected to the rebellion.

 

The tears in June's eyes confirm that I still exist in her eyes. She worries about what could happen to me if Ray finds out the truth. I'm so moved that I'm dying to take her in my arms and tell her not to worry, that I'll never let this man hurt her, hurt me, but I'm silent like a grave, unable to utter a single word.

 

\- Serena ... she whispers waiting for my reaction.

\- Everything will be fine ... I coldly answer before leaving her alone in the kitchen. I can't show her how much it affects me. How much she means to me.

 

All will be fine, yes, I will personally make sure that Ray Cushing does not attack my family. May God be my witness, nothing and no one will stop me from having this child and especially not that Ray fucking Cushing! In order to do that, I need Nick's help. After all, I'm sure that he wants as much as I do to remove this vulture from our home. That's it so, Nick will be my ally to protect June. I have only one thing to do to keep her safe, to imitate my husband's signature on a warrant that I will send to the Divine Law Consular through our driver. I'm sure Fred will understand the urgency of the situation, he will understand that I had to act quickly and that I made the right decision.

* * *

 

 

June : 

 

Seeing Commander Cushing being arrested at the door of the house fills me with satisfaction and joy. I knew that Serena would not let him get near my child, I knew she would do something to protect him, it's her child, too, after all.

 

I don't know what she did to achieve this miracle, but I know that if she is able to rebel against the men of this country, we are all capable of it. That's why I decide to finally reveal my name to Emily who miraculously came back from the camps with Janine. It's time for all of us to become responsible in this world of terror. It's time for our voices to rise and to be heard, beginning with ourselves. The emotion wins me when I see all the handmaids declaring their real names in the market. They know it's risky, a guard could hear, but nothing can stop them. And nothing will stop us from now on.

 

I can see that I'm not the only one thinking it's time to act when Serena summons me to her husband's office. The same office where access is usually denied to women. But it seems that she too has also decided that it's urgent to act before the situation degenerates. She gathers documents spread on a table declaring :

 

\- Commander Cushing has made our streets a combat zone. Here are the drafts of the new security measures.

\- By the commander? I surprisly ask

 

She eludes my question by answering:

-The control points will be limited and the guards will be reduced. It's time for things to return to normal, don't you think?

 

I'm so surprised by what is happening in front of me that I remain speechless. I stammer a shy "yes Mrs. Waterford" trying to realize what is happening.

 

\- You're an editor, aren't you?

\- I used to be yes.

\- Read and correct these documents for me

 

I suddenly realize the full extent of what Serena asks me, we have the power to make things change. I put an eye on her, and the determination I can see on her face only reinforces the admiration I feel for her right now. This woman will never stop surprising me.

 

\- I need a pen ... I answer, determined to contribute to this rebellion she is ready to do.

 


	6. chapter 6

June 

 

We mainly work in the evening. She writes, and I read. It has become our new normal, and an affront to God. I have already thought that in another life, we could have been friends, neighbors, even colleagues if I rely on the daily work that we do. But in this life, we are heretics. I was already among the sinners, an adulterous and fallen woman. In any case, that's what Aunt Lydia is used to say. But all of this is new to Serena and I wonder how she feels braving all these prohibitions, what she lets glimpse makes me think that she is happy of our collaboration. Yes. She's freaking happy about it. 

\- Do you miss working?

\- It's a meager sacrifice to be in the grace of God

I do not believe a single word she says. I see in her eyes how working makes her happy. I cannot imagine for a moment that her current condition suits her.

\- But I hate knitting ... To be honest…

The smile she gives me is self-sufficient. She misses her life.  I knew it.

While I’m complimenting her on the work I just read, she gets up slowly from her chair and come to sit right in front of me. She takes my hands between hers and dares to lift her eyes to meet mine.

\- Thanks, June ... I could not do that without your help ... I'll never forget what you're doing for me.

I have the unpleasant impression that bad news will follow these touching words. It's always like that with Serena. She compliments me before planting a knife in my heart.

\- June .... she begins by clearing her voice

\- Is he coming home?

\- Yes, tomorrow.

Of course, I was aware that someday the Commander would return from the hospital. I just thought I still had some time. More time! Gone are our meetings with Serena, finished our collaboration, and finished the intimacy that we could share. We still have so much to do together, we cannot stop now! 

Serena holds my hands to her lips, stammering some excuses. She is not ready for the return of her husband; she is not ready to give up what we build step by step. A new Gilead, more human, more ... open.

I try to get up from my chair, but she holds me back, begging me. 

\- Stay ... Stay with me tonight. It's our last night. 

I don't know what she means by that, but the confusion in her voice makes me consider her request. She seems hopeless. And if I'm completely honest, I like being in her company. These last few weeks have been the best I've had since I arrived in this house. No tension, no scream, no blame, just Serena and I working together, even laughing together a few times. These last weeks have brought us closer, she has finally opened to me about her past, her lost ambitions, her dreams. She wasn't afraid to share her fears as a future mother, her joy when she learned about my pregnancy, the terror she was in during my disappearance, all the conversations we've had are now behind us.

* * *

 

Serena 

 

I watch Fred get out of the car and my heart squeezes. It's not the happiness of his return that provokes this, quite the contrary. Rita assures me that everything is ready for his arrival, and i prepare myself to open the door.

I look at June planted at the top of her staircase with arms crossed and I want to scream in pain to the situation that makes me feel so uncomfortable. She knows ... She understands that I can't really be myself with the return of Fred; she understands but doesn't accept it. I ask her to come down to join us, and she comes reluctantly. She does it to please me, I'm aware of it.

I open the door to Fred, and the embrace he gives me makes me cold in the back. I know he's my husband, but I feel nothing for him than indifference at best, or scorn. I gently close my eyes, and try to remind myself of the sweetness of the hugs that I have been able to share with June in recent weeks. Often, after working until very late at night, I invited her to share my room, my bed. Claiming that she deserved some comfort for the work she had done, the truth was that I wanted to fall asleep by her side. Put my hands on her round belly and let me rock with her breath to fall asleep. One day, I surprised her stroking my cheek while she thought I was asleep, I never told her that I was not sleeping. I preferred to keep this moment as it was rather than embarrassing her by telling her that.

I feel June's nervousness when Fred talks to her. She takes a look at me to restore her confidence and welcomes her worst enemy as a servant must welcome her master. I know she's refraining herself to jump on him and send him straight to the hospital again, she never told me about it, but I can see how much she hates him. Probably as much as she hates me ...

I take Fred to his office and tell him about the program of the week. My eyes are on his desk, and I notice the pen that June used to make the corrections on all the documents that I submit to her. I grit my teeth, and tears begin to form at the corner of my eyes. I suddenly realize that everything is over. No more hours spent together in the tranquility of these four walls. No more long conversations about the meaning of life. No more laughter that enchants my ears and warms my heart. Nothing will be the same with Fred's return. He makes it clear to me by subtly indicating the exit. I no longer have the right to speak, the MAN is back, and it’s time for me to be a submissive woman again. In any case, that's what he thinks.

* * *

June 

 

While I reach my room still shaken by the return of the Commander, I discover a small box on my bed next to a white rose. Serena has been there ... She likes white roses; they represent purity according to her. I gently open the box, and let myself be lulled by the melody that comes out, leaving at the same time finally out all the emotions that I have been keeping for far too long.

I'm sad. I can finally put words on what I feel. I am sad that I cannot spend so much time with Serena, sad to be obliged to become Offred in her eyes, and no longer June. She despises Offred, because she represents what she could have become, however, she appreciates June, enough in any case to offer her a music box as a thank you. And for some reason, knowing that she appreciates me helps me endure all of it.

Life continues at home, our habits, our roles, and Gilead’s idyllic life. I take my instructions from Rita for the market when I hear Serena in the hallway. I meet her eyes and I guess she wants to talk to me about something.

\- Something wrong Mrs. Waterford?

She hesitates a few moments before answering me:

\- No ... no ... everything is fine. Well ... not really. Little Angela is not doing well, it's probably just a cold, but it worries me.

I know she's worried because I know how much she loves children and how it hurts her to know that such a small baby can be sick. I put my hand on her arm to reassure her and whisper that everything will be fine. I would like to persuade myself so much. More than that, I would like to reassure Serena.

She's not the only mother I must reassure that day. Janine has been told at the market that her daughter was sick. I tried to calm her down, to make her listen to reason, but nothing works; her maternal instinct is much stronger than all my words. I would be exactly like her if I knew my daughter was sick and I couldn't see her, and despite that, I'm telling her that she can't see her child, that's impossible. What has happened to me? She is right thinking that I become like those who lead us, I become insensitive to the fate of others, and that gives me frozen blood.

I replay the scene in my head listening to the sweet melody of my music box when Serena enters into my room. She smiles when she sees that I pay a lot of attention to her gift.

\- I'm glad you found it.

\- Thank you…. I answer her in a half-smile ... And thank you for the flower, it's very beautiful.

She comes a little bit closer and sits on my bed. I take this opportunity to ask her about baby Angela. While she explains to me that the doctors don't find what can affect the child, I feel like she's about to collapse. I sit at her side and put a comforting arm around her shoulders. It's just what she needed to let go and confess her helplessness.

\- There is nothing you can do? I shyly ask, tightening my embrace

\- There is something.... But ... I will have to break the law for that.

I have never seen Serena so distraught, so fragile, almost broken. She explains to me that Gilead doesn't use the best doctors to help baby Angela. Obviously, with the new distribution of women, some had to give up medicine to become maids or Marthas. She looks into my eyes and I know she's waiting for my approval to break the law. It's not to make herself feel good, she knows that what she's about to do can be fraught with consequences for both of us. It's with tears in her eyes that she asks me what I think.

I answer her without any hesitation

\- I know if it was my child ... our child, I would not hesitate a single second! Law or not law!

\- That's what I thought…. She answers me by placing her forehead against mine.

* * *

Serena 

 

I thought I could convince Fred to call on this woman doctor, but obviously, his ego is still disproportionate! He categorically refuses.

Obviously he refuses. If someone ever found out, he would be taken for a weak, for someone who is unable to fulfill his commitments and pursue his ideologies. Fred is weak. All that interests him is to be able to keep control by all means.

June's words loop in my head ... Janine would like to see her daughter, maybe this is her last chance. She's right! She's right. Since I can't do anything to help this child on a medical side, at least I can help a woman find some rest by seeing her daughter. And June promised to be there and make sure everything will be okay. I owe her that. We owe her that...

It was easier than I imagined to convince Commander Warren and his wife to let Janine see Angela, much easier than Aunt Lydia's guilty speech to June for taking part in this whole charade. I blame myself for not being by her side and to put this old bique in hers place myself!

But I know that June will be proud of what I did, even if I didn't do it for her, I want her to be proud of my decision to go against my husband to save the life of this innocent child.

I don't know what upsets me the most, seeing Janine saying goodbye to her daughter, or June's sadness when she realized there was nothing more to do. We go home in the greatest silence, her hand refusing to let go of mine, still unaware of the fate awaiting us, but more accomplices than ever.

Nick welcomes us when we walk through the front door

\- The commander wants to see you in his office ... Both of you.

I see the fear in June's gaze, and my desire to protect her takes over my own fear. I already know what's waiting for me, and I refuse to let my accomplice suffer the same fate.

\- I take care of it ... I answer, almost sure of myself.

We are both facing my husband in his office. The same office where June and I met a few days ago, alone. I don't know what is most humiliating, his condescending tone, or that he dares to treat me like that in front of the only person who still manages to consider me as a human being.

* * *

 

June 

 

When I realize what Commander Waterford is about to do, I feel an uncontrollable rage invading me. How  does he dare treat his own wife like that! How does he dare only hitting a woman! Every belt shot that Serena receives is a shot I get in my heart. I want to scream, throw myself at him with all my strength and kill him with my own hands.

She doesn't say anything, she is brave, but I know that he is completely breaking her. He could not stand that she challenged him by imitating his signature to bring the doctor; he could not stand a woman challenging him, that his wife would stand up against him. How can he still consider her as his wife? She has nothing in common with him, absolutely nothing! Serena has proven to me today that she wants to be a good person, that she wants to help others, even if she has to break the law and receive punishment. At that moment I admire her.

He forces me to watch the show, and I promise to myself to make him pay for what he does to Serena. I don't know how yet, but he will pay.

I'm taking Serena back to her room. She hardly dares to look at me, eaten away by so much shame of having been exposed in this way. A few minutes later, full of remorse for leaving her alone, I knock on her door

\- Mrs. Waterford? Do you need anything?

\- No ... she answers me between two sobs

\- Can I do something for you? I ask almost begging to let me help her

\- Yes ... you can go back to your room and leave me alone!

\- Serena.... I whisper behind the door as I hear her collapse

\- Please, leave me alone June ... she answers one last time by closing the lock of her door.

It hurts me that she rejects me this way, I guess she's too embarrassed to let me take care of her, or too proud, but we're together in this galley, and I refuse to let her move away from me. It took us far too long to build the relationship we have today to let her husband destroy that.

\- He'll pay for what he did Serena ... I promise you...

I go up the corridor leading to the Commandant's office and start planning my revenge. You're a weak man Commander Fred Waterford, and I, June Osborne, will be your loss!


	7. Chapter 7

June : 

I know Captain Waterford will not stop in his will to punish Serena and me. He realized we had become close, and that's something out of his control, something he can't handle. I get up every morning with the fear of what could happen during the day, constantly watching my back, avoiding attracting too much attention not to suffer his wrath. This allows me at the same time to plan my revenge on this asshole!

 After the last events, I manage to convince myself that I am lucky in my misfortune. I have a roof over my head, I have food every day, I enjoy the sun when I feel like it. And most of all ... my baby is alive, I feel it move while I rest on the rocking chair of my tiny room, and that is enough for now to soothe my anger.

The master of the house calls us into the parlor to inform us of his diplomatic trip to Canada to try to convince the Canadian government of the necessity of Gilead. My heart misses a beat. Canada, Luke, freedom ... so many things are jostling in my head that I do not realize right now what he just told us. Serena goes with him. Of course he's taking Serena, he can't take the risk of leaving us alone, he's too scared that we're going to plot against him again. God knows that she has tried to avoid this stupid journey, even going so far as to invoke my pregnancy and the premature risk of childbirth, but her abject husband did not want to hear a thing. He commands, and we execute!

She visits me before leaving, I can feel she is not happy with this situation. I want to scream at her to rebel, to stay here with me, with our baby, but the memory of the punishment she suffered a few days ago prevents me. I can't inflict this to her.

She sits in the chair next to me and puts her hand on my belly.

\- God will protect you my love ...

She looks up at me as she speaks those words and I can see tears forming in her eyes. I put my hand on hers to reassure her and offer her my most sincere smile.

\- We'll be fine ... I promise you Serena..

\- I'd like to stay you know...

I don't know what she wants from me right now. She gets up slowly, and goes to the exit. I can't let her go with all this pain and anguish. I grab her hand and force her to look at me.

\- Serena ... I'll miss you

I should not have said that, it was too much. I see her face becoming closed and harden. I mentally prepare myself for the scathing reply she is about to send me.

\- Offred, I thought about it ... You'll leave the house as soon as the baby is born!

\- NO ! The handmaids leave the house when the children are weaned, there is no reason for me to leave before.

It's a low blow, I didn't expect it. Why does she always take three steps back, why does she refuse to see that I'm on her side, why is she constantly pushing me away?

\- I think we have seen enough of each other don't you think?

\- NO Serena!

\- This is Mrs. Waterford!

\- You can ride on your big horses again and push me away, but you know, as I know, that you wrong! I'm June and you're Serena!

\- Stop ... please ... Don't make things harder than they are

\- Hard for who? For you ? The queen of Gilead ! Are you kidding me?

\- Hard for both of us June ...

She caresses my cheek with her warm hand and I finally allow myself to be vulnerable in front of her letting my tears run.

\- I'm sorry for what happened Serena ... Deeply sorry

\- It's not your fault. I made a choice and I assume it. But imagine what could happen if we continue on this path. I can't lose this child June, I can't lose you.

\- So don't push me away.

\- What other choice do I have? I must protect myself and protect my child! It's my priority.

\- I know ... and I understand that ... since you want to get rid of me, do me a favor.

 

* * *

Serena : 

Our arrival in Canada is more than noticeable, I don't feel comfortable, not in my place in this country that represents all that Gilead is not. And the women around me let me know. Nothing really bad, some questions supposed to be embarrassing, some remarks a bit harsh, maybe they think to make me react by behaving like this. If only they knew that I didn't need that, that I already opened my eyes but I couldn't afford to let them know. I must behave as a perfect wife during this trip, it is important not to stir Fred's anger. God knows what he would be able to do if this trip went badly. 

The hostility of the people of this country makes me think back to what June asked me before leaving. She does not realize the risk she is asking me to take. She does not realize that we could lose everything by this imprudence, and despite all of it, I think about her request when a man approaches my table convinced that he can offer me a new life outside of Gilead.

Just a few weeks ago, his words would have made me mad, today I don't know where I stand in all this madness.

\- I can offer you a new life. Freedom. A child

\- I'm going to be a mother soon

\- It's not your child, and you know it. The US government can help you get all this, think about it.

How does he dare pretending it's not my child? Of course it's my child, how many times will I have to repeat it so people understand that it's my child! The bonds of the heart are just as powerful as the bonds of blood. Despite my anger, I admit that his proposal is tempting. If June was here with me, I will not hesitate for a second. We would both go to those paradisiacal lands of which he speaks to me, and we could finally be free and happy. Far from Fred, far from Gilead, far from everything. But June has stayed home, and I can't leave her, and more, I can't give up my child.

Local authorities are not the only ones which are hostile to us. As we go to a convention, a demonstration of American refugees greets us. I can feel all the tension in the street when the car stops. I am far from imagining what awaits me coming out of the car. People scream, insult us, throw projectiles in our direction. I have never felt so much hate as at this moment.

Coming out of the car Fred gets caught by a protester who, if he had not been detained by two guards, would die to jump on him.

\- Hey Waterford!

\- That's Commander Waterford, and you are?

\- Luke Bankole ... you're raping my wife!

My heart immediately stops beating. I look at the man who pretends to be June's husband and my gaze stops on a picture he holds in his hands. The picture of the perfect little family, a man, a woman, a child. Probably a holiday photo, or a happy memory given the dazzling smiles on this image of happiness. I recognize Hannah first, then June. She is resplendent with happiness on this picture, I've never seen her so happy. I have never seen her happy. My legs begin to slip under my weight when I feel Nick coming to support me to prevent me from sinking.

\- This is not the moment Ms. Waterford!

\- Nick ....

I can’t answer anything else.

\- I know I know. He answers me by lowering his eyes.

Back to the hotel that night, I'm not the same. My meeting with June's husband completely upset me. I feel nothing more but disgust for Gilead, for the way we treated all these women, the way I treated June. I'm so disgusted that I want to hurt myself physically, I deserve punishment for all the harm I've done, for all the pain I've been able to put on a woman like June. Yes there are plenty off others, but the only one I can think of at the moment is my child's mother. I must fix my mistakes, I must honor the favor she asked me for. I must not be afraid of the consequences and finally take my responsibilities.

I take advantage of a late meeting of Fred to quietly leave the hotel after borrowing less visible clothes to a maid. I absolutely must meet June's husband and tell him that she's fine. Well, as fine as possible given the circumstances.

I heard about a bar where American refugees meet and I decide to try my luck hoping not to be empty-handed. I spot Luke leaning on the counter and I approach him still uncertain what I'm going to tell him.

\- Get out of here! said June's husband when he notices my presence at his side.

\- I want to talk about June ... I laconically respond

\- Is she okay?

\- She's fine, yes ... she ... she's pregnant ...  she's pregnant with my child

I watch the man before me being completely annihilated by this news. I don't know why I felt the need to tell him that. Was it a sudden need for honesty? Probably not no. I guess I needed to get the upper hand on him, to let him know that June no longer entirely belongs to him and that she and I share something unique together.

\- It's not your child!

\- I'm not here to talk about semantics. It's my child, and nothing you can say can change that, and that's not the reason of my visit.

\- Why are you here? Did your husband let you go? Or is he the one sending you? Did you come to taunt me?

\- I came because June asked me to.

His gaze slightly subsides when I utter this last sentence. I can imagine all the questions that must come up in his mind, but I know that I don't have all the answers. However, I can share with him all I know.

\- Hannah is fine. She is in a family who takes good care of her. I take June to see her from time to time. She can see her from our car, I don't have the power to organize a real meeting.

\- You are an asshole! Like all Gilead people! Your presence here does not make up for the atrocities you are doing to my wife!

I understand why he can think that. Everyone thinks so. I think so myself. But the time is not for self-pity. I must not lose sight of the reason for my meeting with him.

-You do not know anything about me or how things are happening in Gilead! Keep your opinions to yourself and listen to what I have to tell you! My driver Nick gave me something that June gave him some time ago. She told me that she wanted you to have this package and that you would know what to do with it.

The man looks at the pile of tied letters that I hold out to him and seizes them without a word. I know what these letters contain, and I also know that I just signed Gilead's death sentence by handing this packet over to June's husband. But again, what other choice do I have? Since I can't do anything in my own house, I owe it to June and our child to do what she wanted me to do, to do the right thing for once.

\- Can you send a message to June?

I nod in agreement and glare at Luke's sad eyes.

\- Tell her that I think of her every day, that I miss her, that I love her. Tell her that Moira is here too, that she lives with me and she's fine. Tell her that I will continue to fight every day to find her, that I will not give up.

\- I'll tell her ... I softly whisper broken hearted

 

* * *

 

 June : 

I have to do everything for Serena doesn’t throw me out after the baby is born. For several reasons. The first obvious, I don't want to leave my child, it's out of the question! Second, I refuse to leave until this Waterford’s bastard pay for what he did to Serena. And last, I don't want to leave Serena. I know that without me, she will become again that cruel and heartless woman she had become before our meeting. It may sound pretentious, but I think I can bring out the best in her, and I don't want her to lose that. I don't want her to get lost again, she has so much to offer. 

I managed to make Rita implicitly said that she would take care of my child when I left, but that's not enough to appease my conscience. I have to convince Aunt Lydia! She's the only one who has the power to intervene to prevent Serena from throwing me out. She will know how to put forward the well-being of the child and convince my nemesis of the necessity of my presence.

I know exactly what arguments to put forward to convince Aunt Lydia. Behind her acting of a heartless woman, her only ambition is the well-being of Gilead's children. That's why I have no qualms about letting her know that Commander Waterford is not a man of trust and that we should be wary of his violent attacks. I am reassured when she assures me that she will never let anyone harm the safety of a child.

The return of Fred and Serena is earlier than expected, apparently, following the disclosure of letters published online denouncing the conditions of life of Gilead, their trip had to be shortened.

I have never been as proud of Serena as I am now. She did what I asked her, she found Luke. I watch them arrive in the street from the little window of my room and I know that nothing will ever be the same again. Serena can't go back to who she was now. She can no longer deny that she is an integral part of the resistance. I allow myself another affront by going knock on the door of her room.

\- What do you want Offred?

\- How is he ? I need to know Serena ...

\- Your precious little husband is fine! He sends you his thoughts, his love, everything that goes with it!

The thought of Serena and Luke together makes me dizzy. I don't know what hurts me the most. That she had the chance to see him or that she had to undergo his presence.

\- He asked me to tell you that Moira is fine, she lives with him now.

I burst into tears on hearing the news and I can't help but throwing myself on Serena's neck, when she slowly pushing me back again.

\- What's going on Serena? Why do you act like that?

\- What do you think? Do you have any idea of what I endured back there? Can you imagine for a single second what it was to meet your husband? To face him knowing all that I have done to you? Can you just consider what it was like when he told me about you and his love for you? Do you realize?

I don't have time to answer her that I feel the lips of Serena landing violently on mine. She traps my face in her hands and I can feel her tears running down my face as her lips slowly come off my mouth.

\- Get out of here ! Go away ! Serena screams between two sobs

I leave the room without a word trying to understand what just happened.


	8. Chapter 8

Serena : 

Why on earth did I kiss June? What could have gone through my head to get me here? Impossible to control an impulse as primary as this one! I'm an idiot, that's why. I didn’t think about the consequences and acted instinctively.

My stay in Canada would have opened my eyes, I guess, especially the meeting with her husband.

I admit that June and I have buried the hatchet lately, and have even found a certain complicity in working together, and that has allowed me to discover a facet of her that I completely ignored. I saw in front of me the brilliant and talented woman she once was, that she still is, this woman that I come to admire. Because, I do admire her. She is so strong and determined, so passionate, so true. How can you not to be in awe of her? But of course, that's not the only thing I feel for her. I can't explain it, but I feel this need to protect her against all odds.

It happened sometimes, when I was going to spend the night near her to be near the baby, to want to kiss her. Okay, more than a few times, but I've always been able to control that desire. I always thought it was the closeness that made me feel that way, and that it didn't mean anything. After all, we have a unique bond, and I imagine that anyone who shares this kind of connection with someone else must have this kind of confusion. Because that's all it was. Well, that's what I thought until I met Luke.

I found myself jealous of a man who lost everything in life. Jealous of his love for June, jealous that he had what I never had of her. Her respect, her admiration, her smiles, her laughs, her living joy. Jealous that despite the distance that separates them, they still love each other the same way. Jealous that June does not look at me the way she probably looks at him. Simply jealous . Because I would like to be able to look at June this way, I would like to be able to make her smile then to hear her laugh out loud, I would like to make her happy. I want must of all too and I know that it's never going to happen.

So when she started asking about her husband, I broke down. I wanted to make her understand that I was there too, that I felt things too, that I loved her too.

I quickly realized the absurdity of all these thoughts and my gesture. The most important thing is that June never learns what I feel for her. Knowing her, she will want to talk about it, understand it, and there is nothing to understand. And above all, I have to get her away from me. She must stop thinking that I am a good person and that she can save me. Even if I have regrets this until the day I die, I prefer her being angry at me rather than face all these feelings that animate me.

 

* * *

 

 June : 

I absolutely have to talk to Serena! She has been avoiding me since her return from Canada and her gesture ... let's say ... unexpected. I need to understand; she can't kiss me and leave me like that without giving me any answer. I managed  not to go to the market this morning so I could stay at home to finally have this conversation that she is refusing me. Because since that day, my brain is spinning in a loop. I have come to the conclusion that she is simply confused and disoriented. It must have been a long time since her husband was not interested in her, not sexually anyway; he was too busy giving her belt shots to punish her. It must be that, no doubt ... a need of someone who happened to be me at the moment.

I'm waiting for her to go to her room to disturb her, this is the kind of conversation we can't possibly have in the big living room. I softly knock on her door and I can hear her annoyance when she opens to me.

\- What do you want Offred?

\- We need to talk Serena...

\- NO ! You want to talk, and I don't. We don't need to have a conversation unless it concerns the baby.

\- Let me come in at least ... I say, supplicating

\- Goodbye Offred!

Serena tries to shut the door at me, but I don't let myself be surprised and I slip my foot to prevent her gesture.

\- If you do not let me in, I'll stay behind that door and we'll have this conversation anyway! The choice is yours!

She glances at me for a few seconds and quickly assesses the extent of my remarks. If anyone hears us, we'd both end up on the wall, and although I suspect she might let me face death, Serena has no desire to die. She opens the door reluctantly and goes to her closet to take an outfit.

\- I never understood why you had so many outfits, they are identical! What's the point?

\- That's the big conversation you want to have? She sarcastically answers

\- No ... and you know exactly what it is ... You kissed me

\- SHUT UP! She screams, violently turning around.

I suspected that this conversation would not be a pleasure, but I didn't expect such a violent reaction. The problem with Serena is that you never know what to expect.

\- Serena ... calm down ... we can talk about it calmly

\- There is nothing to talk about. I was tired of my trip, exhausted even, having endured all that I had to endure there, and I guess it was just a reflex to shut you up and have peace.

\- You know very well that's not true Serena. You don't lose control like that, it's not you.

\- And who am I, huh? You think you know me? You don't know anything about me June! Absolutely nothing!

\- We're back to June, I prefer that ... At least I know that you're honest with me.

\- Oh stop it with your misplaced sentimentalism! June, Offred, it's the same for me!

\- No, it's not. With Offred you are cruel and cold, this facade that you have forged over time, while with me you are yourself ... just yourself...

I can see Serena slowly relaxing and I realize that she is finally ready to honestly talk  about what happened that night.

\- Tell me what happened in Canada. You keep saying that it was horrible but I have no idea what happened to you.

\- As if that mattered to you anyway!

\- Please…

I put my hand on hers to encourage her to open up to me. She looks at me, tears in her eyes, and I can see all the pain she is carrying. She tells me about all the hurtful words, the sidelong glances, the barbarous and cruel insinuations, all she has suffered from those people who, without knowing her, have judged her and condemned her for all the acts of Gilead. She bursts into tears and I put my arm around her shoulder to comfort her.

\- I'm sorry Serena...

\- I felt like a war criminal! I felt like the cruelest person the earth has ever worn. They don't know anything about me June ... they don't know that I fought for a little girl to be saved ... they don't know

\- I know ... And I also know that you are not the person they thought you are!

\- But I am June; precisely  ... I accepted all these horrors! I accepted women were used to be fertilized! I accepted and I even helped to create this state! I am this person!

\- But you are so much more! Yes you did all that and you can't go back, but you can change things now. You can help all these women.

Serena looks at me and sweetly smiles as she puts her hand on my cheek.

\- You're so naive sometimes June that it's almost adorable

\- I am not naive; I am a deep optimistic person. And I want to believe that there are still people ready to fight, people who have not completely sold their soul to the devil.

Serena runs her thumb over my lips and a shiver runs through my spine. I don't know what game she's playing but her attitude disturbs me.

\- Serena ... I whisper, planting my gaze in hers

\- Hush ... she answers me by slowly approaching her face

Her kiss is not tender. It's brutal and savage. It looks nothing like the desperate and passionate kiss of the last time. I suddenly push her away when I feel her teeth close on my lip and bite it violently.

\- What's wrong with you? I ask, completely stunned.

She grabs my face with one hand and brings it back to hers.

\- Do you want to know what these kisses mean Offred? They mean that you belong to me and that I do whatever I want with you! You are my servant, and you will satisfy each and every one of my desires! Which means that I will kiss you whenever I feel like it, that I can do even more if I feel like it, and that you have absolutely no rights to say anything?

Her gaze freezes my blood as she utters these words. The cruel Serena is back! It's worse than a weather vane this woman. While she finishes her sentence, her available hand falls on my left breast to molest it without softness. It's more that I can handle. I could have tried to understand, I could have rationalized all that, but that, I just can't. I get up in a gesture that surprises her and gives her a monumental slap. I will regret this gesture later I think.

\- You disgust me Serena! You are no better than your rapist of a husband!

\- Soon you won't have to support me, don't worry! As soon as this baby is born, you get the hell out of this house!

 

* * *

 

 Serena :

I can't let June think I care for her, it's impossible. She must not discover my deep thoughts or feelings I can feel for her. She must remain ignorant, for her own safety and this of our child. Even if it kills me to make her suffer as much, I prefer that she suffers rather than she’s dead! Of course, she doesn't understand my reaction and her provocative attitude has comeback. I feel like I'm the number one target again and it affects me more than I could think of. Seeing her rejecting me this way is a torture that I inflict on myself on a daily basis, and I must not flinch!

The climax of her devilish plan to hurt me is when she makes a false alarm for childbirth. My happiness to be a mother soon can’t fill all the harm we are doing to each other.

When Aunt Lydia intervenes thinking to reassure me by telling me that soon June would be transferred to another family, I feel my heart dematerializing in my chest. It's like it stops beating right now. June will not be here anymore soon, but worse than anything, I will know where she is and which man will have the leisure to be satisfied with her body. It's unbearable for me, I refuse to imagine that she will be so close to me, undergoing this kind of thing while I  will be living my perfect little family life with the child she would give me.

\- Transfer her to another district! As far as possible!

That's the only thing I can answer right now. I wish I could tell June that it's too hard, that I can't have her next to me, especially when she sends me her fiery eyes that could kill me on the spot if I didn't have to act as if it wasn’t affecting me.

\- You are right Mrs. Waterford. It's been lovely to serve you. But I think it's better that we never see each other again.

I hear hatred in the voice of the woman who is the cause of all my torments and it's breaking my heart forever.

I close the door behind me, and take refuge in my greenhouse to let my grief speak. If only you knew June...

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains violence.

Serena :

When I see Fred joining me in my sanctuary, I know it does not bode well. He only comes to the greenhouse when he wants something from me. But I was far from imagining what would follow. Fred tells me about the need for Offred to give birth as soon as possible. Although I agree with him, I dread this moment as much as I wait for it. Once the baby is born, June will have to leave now; I can't turn my back off what I said before. I briefly listen to him when he insists on hastening delivery as naturally as possible.

\- What do you mean Fred?

\- You know very well what I mean ... We have no choice Serena! It's imperative that this baby arrives quickly.

If I still had doubts about his intentions, his lustful look confirms me that I'm right to fear the worst. I want to throw myself at him and eviscerate him on the spot to have even considered this possibility. I could kill him with my own hands if I didn't fear the consequences this gesture could have on June and the child she is carrying. I remain stunned before him, not knowing what to say. If I oppose his will, only God knows what could happen. He might become suspicious, want to know why I absolutely want to protect our maid, and he could have us both executed in an hour for treason.

\- It could be dangerous for the baby...

\- You know very well that it is false; these are excuses of women who don’t want to have sex with their husbands.

\- But we don't know ... And if there was really a risk? It's not worth putting the health of our child in danger Fred!

I try everything to dissuade him knowing that nothing could change his mind.

\- Don't be ridiculous! Bring Offred to our room tonight, end of the discussion!

I feel the ground shirking under my feet when he leaves the greenhouse to reach the house. I can't let him do that. It's absolutely out of the question. I can't do this to June again. I have to protect her at all costs. I could run away with her and Fred would never find us again. I'm sure that idiot of Nick would help us leave Gilead. I could get back to this guy from the government who gave me his card in Canada. I could put an end to all this once and for all. But we could also get caught and finish on the wall. It's a risk that I am ready to take concerning my own life, but I can't endanger June's life and that of our child.

I feel completely helpless in front of what seems to me inevitable. If I want to protect June, I have to let Fred do it, but I can't. I need to talk to her. I have to explain to her that I have nothing to do with all that. She must know that this is not my idea. I will not be able to tolerate her thinking that I am at the initiative of what will happen.

I quickly climb the stairs that lead me to the room of our maid and it's completely out of breath that I open her door to her surprise.

\- Serena ... What's going on? What's wrong?

I can hear the panic in her voice and I realize that I won't be able to comply with my husband's wishes. The terror I read on the blonde's face in front of me confirms that I must protect her at all costs.

\- Shhhhh ... Listen to me and don't ask any questions?

Her nod confirms that I have her full attention.

\- I'll pick you up later and we'll leave this place without ever coming back. Nick will take us to an isolated house that belonged to my parents where we will hide for a while. Nobody knows this place, not even Fred. Then I will find a way to get out of the country with discretion. I still have some well-placed contacts that I think will be pleasured to take revenge on my husband. We will be safe June. I promise you. Do you trust me?

The panic that has seized me is far from inspiring confidence to the young blonde who seems completely disoriented by my words.

-What are you talking about? What is happening? That's the commander? Did he threaten you? Did he discover that you kissed me? Explain yourself Serena! You are scaring me there...

\- No questions June! Do what I'm telling you once in your life, damn it!

\- NO! I won't leave here until you tell me what's going on!

\- But why do you have to be so stubborn?

\- That's part of my charm. Take it or leave it!

June realizes that her words may suggest that she would like me to tell her that it is for these reasons that I love her.

\- Well ... that's not what I meant ... it’s...

\- Shut up! Just shut up and let me think!

June grabs my hand and I feel all my determination in my attempt to save her, strenghten. If I want her to trust me, I must be completely honest with her, I grab her face in my hands and anchor my gaze in hers.

\- I lied to you June...

\- Can you be more specific? She ironically answers

\- You can't shut up, can you?

She smiled at my remark as if to make me understand that we would not be here today if she had been able to hold her tongue in the past.

\- When I kissed you the first time, it was not to submit you. I never wanted that. Well, when you first came in this house I wanted to but it's been a long time since this is no longer the case. I kissed you because I feel something for you that I can't explain. Because, when I think of you that's what I want.

\- What are you trying to tell me?

\- I don't know June! I freaking don't know! I want to be near you and our child. I want to see you smile, hear you laugh; I want to know you’re safe from all this madness. I want you to want to kiss me I guess ... I want you to want to find out who I really am.

\- Serena ... I ... I also want to spend time with you and discover the woman you buried deep within you, but I don't think I have the same desires as you. I mean ... I'm flattered, really ... But I'm not gay...

\- Neither am I!

\- Well listen ... what you're saying is pretty much that.

\- Do you really think it's time to play on words? I care for you. I don't want another woman, it's just you. Anyway, we don't have time to discuss this right now; we can talk as much as you want as soon as we are safe!

\- Be reasonable Serena. You can't run away just because you feel something you can't understand or explain. I can't travel right now; it would be too dangerous for the baby.

\- You, be reasonable! You don't understand!

I lift my arms to the sky in despair and I feel tears run down my cheeks. This is not the time to crack, I must be strong and I must convince this fool to trust me and leave with me tonight.

\- June... I beg you ... trust me. We can't stay here, you're not safe here. Please, do it for our child if you don't do it for me. Please…

I hear footsteps in the hallway and I understand that it's too late to do anything. I did not manage to save her. I get closer to her and surround my arms around her in an embrace full of tenderness despite the sobs that cross me.

\- I'm sorry June ... I'm so sorry ... forgive me...

She raises her head towards me and puts her lips on mine to grant me forgiveness in the most beautiful way. I kiss her back in a last hope to make her understand how much she means to me.

\- I love you ... I whisper in her mouth as blows are knocked on the door ... I'll give you your freedom tonight June ... Promise me to take care of our child ...

She looks at me confused while Rita softly opens the door without me resigning myself to undo our embrace.

\- Commander Waterford's asking for you Offred. He asked me to prepare the bedroom ... said our cook, lowering her eyes with shame.

I see the blonde start to panic at the realization of what awaits her. I take her hands in mine without worrying about Rita watching us and trying to reassure the trembling woman who stands in front of me.

\- I won't let him... I promise you...

\- How?

\- I'm going to kill this son of a bitch before he can even look at you! There’s no way that he touches you tonight!

\- Mrs. Waterford ... do you want me to leave the room? Rita intervenes embarrassed.

\- It's not necessary. You won't have any trouble don't worry. Take June to Nick; ask him to drive her to the country house where we went several times. I have to see my husband!

While I lay a kiss on the forehead of the one that made me become the passionate and committed woman that I once was, I am resigned to commit the irreparable and suffer the consequences. I emerge from the embrace of the blonde and smiled one last time for her to keep this image of me in memory. I start to get away from her but I’m restrained by her hand that clings firmly to my arm.

\- No ... she murmurs for me ... This child needs you. You can't do that. I won't let you do that.

\- This is the only solution June...

\- No, it's not the only one. I can bear it once more. I can do it so that we both are safe at least for tonight. Then we will see.

\- Out of the question!

\- Serena ... I can do it...

The determination I read on her face makes me realize that I have no chance to change her mind. I tenderly caress her cheek and we don't need words to understand each other.

 

* * *

 

 June : 

I cast a last look at Serena who puts her hands on mine with all the sweetness she can show in a moment like this. Commander Waterford slowly approaches the bed and starts reciting all the crap that Gilead instituted to legitimize the atrocity of their actions. I begin to struggle by reflex and to avoid attracting suspicions but my body is already resigned to be trampled again by this man who feels invested with a divine mission.

I know that Serena can't look at me; she is obliged to keep her eyes on her husband who seizes my body unceremoniously. As I feel him coming into me, I give up all resistance and take refuge in a world where all this does not exist. I can feel Serena's thumbs caressing my wrists from afar, and while that does not make things any more bearable, it allows me to stay in that piece of paradise I've created to escape this ridiculous masquerade. I repeat in a loop what I say to myself since the first time. It's a job, I have to detach myself from it all, it's as harmless as a bee that steals a flower, it's not me, it's not my body, and this time I do it so that we are safe.

I see Serena look away from her husband, it's too much for her, she can't bear to watch him ride me this way. While I think nothing could be worse, I feel one of her tears fall on my face.

Not now Serena, don't crack now, be strong. I can endure all this for us so please don't crack. To prevent her husband from noticing her trouble, she leaves the room as soon as he reaches orgasm, leaving me alone, completely empty, on this bed that I hate so much.

I blame her so much for abandoning me to my own fate without coming to see how I am going. I blame her so much that I could tear her eyes off if she ever dares to look at me. How can she claim to love me and leave me there, as dead, with all that sperm dripping between my legs and no one to make me come back to reality. You should be here Serena; you should be here and tell me that everything will be okay now, that I didn't make that sacrifice for nothing.

You should be here, but like the coward that you are, you ran away, letting me once again manage alone the wreckage that became my body under the onslaught of your husband.

I close my eyes for a few moments and hear sobs from the adjacent bathroom followed by what I think is vomiting. Commander Waterford unceremoniously enters the room and violently grabs his wife by the arm to bring her back to the center of the room.

\- What's wrong? It disgusts you that's it? Yet you had nothing against previous times!

\- Let me go Fred, you're hurting me.

\- I did not give you permission to speak! Do you think I didn't spot your little game? Do you think I didn't see how you looked at her while I was in her? You would have liked to be in my place wouldn’t you? You would have liked to feel that power that I feel when I came in her!

\- SHUT UP! SHUT UP! Serena Screams, covering her ears not to hear him anymore.

Commander Waterford slaps Serena with a stunning slap that causes her to lose her balance and land close to me.

\- It's you who should shut up! As soon as this child is born, this whore will be sent to the colonies where she will die without anyone noticing, and you ... you will never see this child! You will live in the same house, you will hear him cry, play, grow, but you will never see him. Death would be too sweet for you traitors! So from now on, I advise you both to stand by and do exactly what I order you to do.

Serena tries to get up to jump on him, but in a last hint of lucidity, I hold her to prevent her to commit the irreparable.

\- Did I make myself clear? Commander Waterford yells.

\- Yes ... we answer in chorus by uniting our hands.

He leaves the room leaving us to our own fate, I feel Serena come closer to me but I'm not ready to face her excuses and pitying. There is always a part of me that blames her for everything that has happened to me in this house since my arrival.

\- Not now Serena...

\- I'm sorry…

\- I know ... but I said not now okay?

She nods and I get up to return to the tiny room that serves as my room. The only place where I still can feel safe in this house.

 


	10. Chapter 10

Serena

It's been three days since June has not left her room. Three days that Rita brings her meals and especially, three days that she refuses to see me. How blaming her after what I just put her through. I shouldn't have listened to her, I knew I shouldn't have let Fred do it, I should have stopped him. She is so strong that I believed her when she told me that she could do it, that she was capable of it. How could I be so naive, no woman is able to suffer that without being affected.

I absolutely need to find a way for her to agree to see me and talk to me; I can't let her that way. I slowly climb the stairs to her room, take a deep breath and gently knock on her door.

\- Go away Serena!

\- How do you know it's me?

She does not answer and I hear her crying behind the door. It's too much; I can't stand anymore not being able to be near her and not being able to support her.

\- I'm going to enter June...

She curls up on her bed and I have the impression of seeing a wounded animal that is frightened by everything around him. My heart tightens at this sight and I rush to her to take her into my arms. She resists for a short time and then comes to rest her head on my lap.

\- I'm so sorry ... he'll pay for that, I promise you.

Her silence puzzles me and I don't know what to do for her to realize how sincere I am. I know she will never forgive me, and I don't expect it, I don't deserve her forgiveness. I gently caress her cheek and I feel her slowly relaxing to finally fall asleep. She has never been as beautiful as she is at this moment, asleep on my knees, and I have to violently restrain myself not to put my lips on her forehead. I avoid moving so as not to wake her up, even when a cramp in my calf appears. I want to keep her as long as I can against me.

She wakes up almost two hours later and snuggles a little closer to me, making my heart beats even faster.

\- Hey ... I whisper while stroking her messy hair.

\- Hey ... she simply answers me by looking up at me.

\- Fred will be back soon, it would be better if he found me in the house, I should go downstairs.

\- Okay…

She caresses my wrist with her thumb and slowly gets up to let me go. Her eyes stop on a bruise that she notices a little higher on my forearm.

\- What is that? She hurriedly asks me.

\- It's nothing ... I hit a door, nothing serious.

\- What did he do to you Serena?

I close my eyes to avoid June's disturbing look and try to find a plausible story that would prevent me from revealing the truth to her. She doesn't need to know, she doesn't have to know. What Fred has done to me is nothing compared to what she had to endure, it's a small price to pay for my betrayal.

\- Nothing June, he didn't do anything... Don't worry

\- Don't lie to me! How can you do that! You tell me that you have feelings for me and at the first opportunity you lie to me! How do you want me to believe you? How do you want me to trust you?

\- June...

She is not wrong. I am so used to not being honest and not really being myself that I don't know how to behave normally anymore. But how can I tell her that I let my husband tie me to our bed, that I let him whip me to expiate my sins, that I let him dishonor me to satisfy his ego of deceived and betrayed male. How can I tell her all of this without her judging me to be so weak? The truth is that I prefer a thousand times him attacking me rather than her. I can endure everything as long as I know that June is spared from my husband's violence.

I can't tell her, the words won't come out; I unbutton my dress and start to undress to show her the stigmata of the punishment inflicted by Fred.

Her beautiful eyes fill with tears and her hands are gently placed on my bruised body. She caresses with fingertips every scar, every wound, and I feel a burning desire for the blonde who's not aware of what her hands on me can cause. I grab her wrists to escape this sweet torture and try to gently get out of the bed.

\- June stop...

\- Sorry ... I'm sorry; I didn't want to upset you

\- Upset me?

I let a frank laugh out that surprises the blonde.

\- You're beautiful when you laugh ...  say June smiling at me

 

* * *

 

 June

She is indeed beautiful. I noticed it the first day I saw her, but her beauty was so far spoiled by that hard, impassive behavior she gave herself. But hearing her crystalline laugh rekindles that natural beauty that emanates from her. At this moment, I understand all that Moira have told me about women's beauty and the attraction that she could have for them, because if I'm completely honest with myself, at this moment, I'm dying to put my lips on Serena's, not just her lips in fact.

I grab her hand and gently pull her against me. Her mixed look of desire and incomprehension arises on me and gives me the courage to continue. I grab her neck and slowly approach her face of mine until I feel the softness of her lips on mines. Quickly, my hands find the way to her body that I walk as if I already knew and the groans of Serena encourage me in my discovery of the offering she makes me.

Her generous breast rises as my fingers brush them and her breath becomes more and more erratic.

\- June stop ... stop ... we can't! We must not!

\- Why ... I thought you wanted to...

\- Of course I want to, you don't even imagine how, but we must not.

\- Let yourself go Serena...

\- The last time I let myself go Fred raped you and beat me! So no, I can't let myself go! No way.

Her hands surround my face as she gently lays her forehead against mine in perfect communion.

\- I can't take the risk that he will hurt you again, I won't survive.

\- He won't denounce us, he is too afraid of what people could say. He is far too proud to say that his wife and handmaid have had an affair. You have nothing to fear Serena.

\- That's not what I'm afraid of. He could kill you June, he's capable of it.

\- Not if I kill him first!

Serena violently pulls back and begins to walk in all directions by putting on her clothes. She is angry and I don't know if her anger is directed against me, against her husband or against herself.

\- Are you completely out of your mind? Stop saying that! You don't realize the consequences. What will I do next? Do you imagine for a single second what my life would be like if you killed Fred? You would be arrested and executed! That's what would happen! Don't you understand that I love you? I can't let you do that! You can't die June! I forbid it!

\- You've kept telling me that you love me Serena ... but I think what you really love is the idea of having me all for yourself. And not me. You love the idea of me, it gives meaning to your crappy life to tell you that you could do something good for once, but it's not me that you love!

\- So what was all this? You were ready to sleep with me for what reason exactly? You pity me, don’t you? Did you think it was a consolation price? What was that June?

\- Honestly? I don't know what it was and why, but be sure it will never happen again!

Serena leaves my room like a fury, slamming the door behind her. It had been a long time since I had seen her so angry at me and I must admit that I'm not very proud of myself. I immediately regret my words and try to catch her up in the hallway but she already is far.

Rita brings me my meal that night and I can see in her eyes that something annoys her.

\- I don't know what you did to her, but she's worse than usual...

\- I'm sorry if she came after you.

\- Don't worry about that, I'm used to it.

I can tell that she wants to say more but that she doesn't dare. She probably has an opinion about what's going on between Serena and I, whatever it is, because even me can really say that I know what's going on.

\- You can talk to me, you know, I won't take offense

\- You are playing with fire. It's dangerous.

\- I know…

\- So why would you do it? Is it revenge?

\- If only I had the answer to this question ... I don't know why Rita, I have no idea. Can you give her a message?

\- Don't put me in that position, please...

\- Just a message ... tell her I'm sorry and that I didn't think what I said.

\- I'll see what I can do…

I guess Rita managed to talk to Serena. She enters the next morning in my room, unable to look at me in the eye. She sits on the edge of the bed as she has so often done and nervously plays with her hands.

\- I have a surprise for you ... I think you'll like it ... It's the best I can do to convince you that I'm sincere when I tell you that I love you.

We sit in the car, and Serena puts her hand on mine, addressing Nick.

\- We have to be back in three hours, before Fred notices our absence.

Nick nods and gives me a confused look. I'm in the same state of mind as him; I'm completely unaware of what Serena has planned. I watch the snowy landscape parade without having any idea of the destination. Serena and I remain silent, her hand still resting on mine. Nick stares at me in the rearview mirror, trying to find a clue to my state of mind. We stop in front of a big house that seems deserted if we make an exception for the car that is already parked in the driveway.

Serena gets out first of the vehicle and comes to stand beside me to enter the huge house, leaving her hand on my back. Nick seems worried; obviously, he has no idea where we are and why.

The sheets on the furniture confirm that the house is uninhabited and this reinforces my fear. What if Serena took me here to get rid of me? A man walks towards us and asks us to follow him.

\- You have ten minutes.

I enter the room designated by the man in question and my heart stops beating. A Martha is sitting on the floor playing with a child. With my child, Hannah.

Serena approaches me and whispers in my ear:

\- Go ... she's waiting for you.


	11. Chapter 11

Serena : 

Seeing June so wiped out of Hannah leaving makes me feel more guilty. I had already realized the horrors I had been instigating, but seeing it with my own eyes was unbearable.

I would give my life to erase the pain I have caused. And not just to the young blond who stole my heart. If I could go back with a magic wand, I would not hesitate for a second. I am so paralyzed by this realization that I can't even get close to June to take her in my arms. I would like to do it, sincerely, but I remain completely paralyzed behind her while she cries on her knees in the snow her child who is ripped off her arms again. Nick helps her getting up and she turns to rush into my arms.

\- Thank you Serena ... thank you

What can she thank me for? I make her suffer again. Perhaps it would have been better not to arrange this meeting, it would have been better if she'd never seen Hannah again, maybe she wouldn't be crying in my arms right now if I had abstained .

\- I'm a monster…

June's confused look confirms that I have verbalized this thought aloud. That's the truth, I'm a monster. How could I had been so blinded, so egotistical, for not realizing all the horrors suffered by the majority of Gilead's women? How did I get there? How my desire to make the world a better place could have taken such a cruel way?

I release myself from the embrace of the blond who doesn't understand what's happening and runs away in the woods. I need air, space, solitude. I can't cope with June's pain, I can't do it, I'm not strong enough for that. I thought that my love for her could make me accept everything, but the truth is that this love makes me vulnerable and sends me back in the face, the monstrous woman that I have become.

You do not deserve that June, my love for you is almost an affront I'm giving you. To be loved by me is really not a good thing, you deserve so much better.

* * *

 June : 

I don't even have time to react that Serena is already far away. What is going on in this woman's head? She is so unpredictable that she gives me the impression of having several personalities sometimes. She gives me the best of presents and runs away as if suddenly I had become contagious, leaving me standing there in the middle of nowhere with Nick who seems just as confused as me.

Engine noises in the distance bring us back to reality. Nick drives me into the house to make me safe while a car parks in the driveway.

\- Serena ... You have to find Serena!

\- It's too late for that, wherever she left, I won't be able to find her.

\- Please Nick! You know what will happen to her if you don't find her! Fred will find out what she did today and he will punish her for that. You have to find her!

\- NO ! I have to keep you safe, it's my priority!

\- Listen to me ... I can always lie to Commander Waterford, tell him that I tried to run away again, but Serena has no excuse, he'll kill her Nick!

My hands on Nick's face make him face my eyes and my determination. I feel how much he's split between the desire to keep me safe and the willingness to grant me what I ask.

\- They won't do anything to me, I'm pregnant ... You know how a pregnant woman is sacred!

He nods and kisses me tenderly on the forehead before heading for the door.

\- Stay inside ... I'll do my best!

Barely outside, he gets caught by two men who hit him hard on the head to knock him out. The car starts and I realize that I am alone in this house with no way to go home. I rush out to the forest, calling Serena with all my strength.

I think I finally found her when I hear noise coming from my right but discover a stupendous black wolf who fixes me as if I was his next meal. I have no other option than to go back to the house and try to find a way to get out of this creepy gloomy place.

After a careful search of the cupboards, I put some stuff in a bag and start dreaming about the possibility of a new life. I'm alone here, I can run away. I can give my child the freedom I can't give to Hannah. There's no way I'm coming back to the Waterford's house. Without Serena, I have no chance of surviving.

I had to doze for a few hours, because when I wake up, I hear the sound of a vehicle parking in the driveway. When I see Serena and her husband getting off the car, my heart misses a beat. She is here, she came back to get me. She is alive!

\- Offred!

\- Offred!

Their two voices resonate in the huge empty house, and my first instinct is to throw myself into Serena's arms. No matter  how badly I want it, I can't do this, I can't compromise the plan I put in place to escape Gilead, I can't go back to this house.

The rage and desperation in Serena's voice when she screams my name affects me. I know exactly how she feels right now.

From where I am, I can see them and hear their conversation without being spotted. When Serena goes down the stairs with my red dress in her hand, her husband rushes on her to slap her violently.

\- What were you thinking! It's your fault if she runs away!

\- I was trying to fix your mistakes! You raped her yesterday!

\- And you send her here to see her daughter! What did you think it was going to happen?

\- I didn't send her, I came with her! I just left before your guys show up.

\- I see ... And you're sad because she didn't come back to you right? You thought maybe she wasn't going to leave you that she wouldn't try to run away again, leaving you behind! You're pathetic Serena! Don't you see that the feelings you have for her are not shared? She doesn't love you; I even think she hates you in fact! You must probably disgust her. That's why she fled!

Fred's words hit me in the chest. How does he dare saying that stuff? I don't hate Serena anymore, and even though I'm far from sharing her feelings, she's not the one I want to run away from.

\- We have to find her Fred! She may be in danger.

\- It's the least of my worries!

\- I gave up everything for you ... and for the cause ... and I wanted only one thing in exchange, I wanted a child. And it's her who offers me this wonderful gift.

\- It's your fault! Because of your disgusting attraction to her and your obsession to make her love you, you managed to make her run away and you'll never have that child!

I see Fred flatten Serena against the wall and start strangling her. My blood turns in my veins, I manage to noiselessly load the rifle close to me and slowly open the window to point the weapon in the direction of the man I hate so much. My revenge has finally arrived. I knew the time would come when this bastard would pay for everything he did to me and what he did to Serena. I just have to press the trigger and the order of things will be restored.

\- You took everything from me. I don't have anything left! I have nothing at all! I will never take my child in my arms, I have no longer June, I have nothing!

Serena's distress grips my heart so much that I can't shoot. I realize she didn't lie to me, she really cares about me. She raises her head and her eyes cross mine. She knows what I'm about to do.

\- I want you to die! She yells in her husband's face, nodding in my direction to give me her blessing.

I put my finger on the trigger, close one eye to adjust my shot, and take a last look at Serena. She seems to be appeased, ready to face what will happen. She is ready to die so that I can escape and live with her child, our child. I lower my weapon slightly and I feel a tear rolling on my cheek, I can't shoot. I can't take the risk of killing her too. Part of me would not survive. I shake my head from left to right and gently put the gun next to me, my revenge is not for today finally.

* * *

  Serena : 

Why doesn't she shoot? Why is she so reluctant to put an end to her nightmare? Without Fred and without me, she has a chance to escape and find her husband in Canada. Shoot June! Damn it, do it! If I were you, I won’t hesitate a single second!

I see her lower her weapon and resign herself to surrender. She can't do that; Fred must not know she's here. I absolutely have to get him out of the house as quickly as possible. I have to protect her from him at any cost. As I manage to get out of my husband's grip, I hear June's broken voice ring out.

\- I'm here ... and I think my water just broke


End file.
